


The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by Ladytalon



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Poly, Birthday Sex, Established Relationship, Exhibitionism, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Humor, Mildly Dubious Consent, Oral Sex, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 16:53:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14856575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: The Blanco triplets are having a birthday, and Patricia has no idea what gift to give Zed.  His brothers are more than happy to make a few suggestions.  Part of theGenerally HospitalAU.





	The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags for the appropriate warnings!!! This is yet another disaster I started writing more than a year ago and...you're welcome, I guess????

This is probably the worst idea she’s ever had, Patricia Tannis thinks as she parks her car in front of the Blanco residence. She sits there and practices her breathing a good five minutes before getting out and walking up the sidewalk; she almost turns around and runs back to her car upon seeing that Zed’s brother is not only still there, but has one of his paramours over. Patricia fishes the key ring out of her purse and fumbles to find the key Zed had given her last month, hoping that she’ll be able to sneak past whatever wild sexual encounter is currently taking place on the kitchen counter. Or living room couch, or any number of inappropriate places because Ted can’t seem to keep his libido contained in his own bedroom. 

The memory of what she’d seen last time has been burned into her brain and terrorizes her by resurfacing when she least expects it. Despite the fact that Patricia is fully aware that she’s chosen to enter a romantic relationship with a man who is an identical triplet, facing the other two isn’t always the easiest thing in the world. Thankfully she’s managed to find a way to tell them apart and the identification system works at least half of the time, so there’s that.

She gets the door unlocked and slips inside, hardly daring to breathe as she listens for signs of life within the house. It’s just as she’d feared; the rhythmic sounds of furniture knocking against the wall signals that Ted is alive, well, and having vigorous sexual intercourse with someone. Patricia tiptoes towards the stairs and risks a glance towards the living room – the coast is clear, thank goodness, so she sighs in relief and prepares to sit on the couch. Her guard is down and as such she’s wholly unprepared for her eyes to be assailed by the sight of Ted Blanco’s flexing buttocks. “Oh my _god_ ,” Patricia splutters, throwing a hand up as if that would stop them.

“Hey there, Patty,” Ted says, not even having the decency to stop his current lustful exercise. Helga Steele peers over his shoulder at her, one tattooed arm wound around Ted’s neck. “TV upstairs’s free, if you wanna watch somethin’…else.” Helga smirks as Patricia turns to leave, wondering just how she’s going to erase _this_ experience from her memory. 

She takes the stairs two at a time and barricades herself in Zed’s bedroom, flopping down on the bed and doing her breathing exercises again while she tries to ignore the orgasmic shrieks issuing from the kitchen – they probably won’t even wipe the table once they’re finished, Patricia thinks darkly. There’s more than an hour before Zed and Ned will be back, and it might even be longer if someone has an emergency near the end of their shift…a distinct drawback to dating an EMT who runs his own ambulance service. If she’d known for one second that their house would still be occupied when she came over, Patricia would have just driven back to Generally Hospital and found a corner in the waiting room of the Emergency department…and she _hates_ the waiting room.

The moans have mostly died down, so she risks opening the door and making a run for the bathroom. There’s a huge fake mustache taped to the mirror above the sink for some reason – Patricia thinks that Ned might have had something to do with it. Her mission accomplished, she washes her hands quickly and heads back to the master bedroom to look through the stack of mail-order catalogs she’s brought with her. The Blanco triplets will be celebrating their birthday soon, and Patricia has no clue what to give to Zed – she intends to purchase a popcorn maker for Ned, and an industrial-sized box of bleach wipes for Ted, but she’s at a total loss when it comes to the man she loves. She can’t get him anything doctor-related since he no longer has his license and any reference to it would be needlessly cruel, and Zed has enough socks. Patricia had wanted to buy him flowers, because that’s certainly a socially-acceptable way to showing affection, but they would probably die after Zed would forget to add water to the vase. Perhaps a plant would be appropriate; there are several varieties which don’t require much care.

She’s still considering this option when Helga leans in the doorway wearing only her underwear and exposing an impressive amount of blue-tattooed skin. “You are still here? Interesting,” the other woman says.

Ted comes up from behind, wrapping his arms around Helga and kissing her neck. “Don’t go scarin’ her off, Hel. Zed’ll kill us both.”

“I was told you had the day off,” Patricia says, looking at him pointedly. “And that you would be spending it at the Hyperion company picnic, on the arm of Jeffrey Blake.”

He grins, nuzzling at Helga again. “Nah, we’re meetin’ him later.”

Helga disengages herself to come sit down beside Patricia, reaching for one of the magazines. “What is this? Are you buying something?” Patricia explains her problem and the possible solution, which causes Helga to shake her head so sharply that her braids whip around. “No, _lapushka_ , you cannot give him a plant. Such a man deserves something from the _heart_.”

“Eat his ass,” Ted suggests. Helga doubles over with a strangled noise, covering her mouth with her hands. “No, for real – you gotta. He’d love it.”

“…what?”

Helga recovers herself enough to sit back up and inhale a loud, sobbing breath. “Yes, you must do this for Zed. Make sure he takes a bath first, of course, but I am sure he will be very…receptive. Teddy adores it.”

Patricia looks up at Ted in horrified fascination, and he shrugs. “It’s pretty awesome. Jeff likes it, too.”

She frowns thoughtfully. “So it is a _normal_ type of sexual activity, then.”

“Of course it is,” Helga assures her with a knowing wink. “Men, they go _crazy_ for this…especially when it is an early morning surprise, if you know what I am talking about.” Ted erupts in a coughing fit, and Helga gets up to slap him on the back. “If you will excuse us, Teddy must drink some water for this cough – poor baby.”

“See ya, Patty Cake,” Ted says in farewell.

Patricia sighs as she hears them start wheezing the moment they get into the hallway. They’ve obviously been smoking something illegal before christening the kitchen table…which reminds her, she’ll have to wipe it off later. She’s not sure what caused the ex-Marine to fall in love with a police officer who moonlights as a member of the local Roller Derby team, but Zed had once told her that the two met when paramedics had been called to the scene of a fight when the Sirens had been playing against the Psychos. Ted’s brothers had taken her to the hospital, where he'd been on duty…and the rest, as they say, is history. As she herself had met Zed in a similar situation, Patricia wouldn’t dream of being scornful of it.

She moves to open Zed’s battered, outdated, and slow-as-molasses laptop as her phone chimes with the arrival of a text message. _**Still on time so far – there’s pizza in the fridge if you want. Z.**_

Patricia sighs at the screen and quickly types in a reply before returning her attention to the computer. A click on the search bar displays Zed’s search history as she readies herself to do an ECHOnet search for how best to go about delivering the suggested birthday gift; she’s slightly taken aback at what her lover has been looking online for. Why on earth would he find it necessary to find tips on how to make a sudden erection go away? Most of the other searches include the word _autism_ in them, which Patricia finds very thoughtful because it means that Zed is still trying his best to understand her. That’s nothing she doesn’t already know by now, but it’s sweet nonetheless to find digital evidence of it. She plugs in her search terms and browses through myriad articles, most of which are solely directed towards males, before ending up at a place called WikiHow. There are several helpful diagrams and illustrations, and Patricia brings a notepad out of her purse so that she can take notes.

The sound of voices rouses her from her intense perusal of the best way to perform anilingus on a consenting partner, and Patricia quickly deletes the day’s search history from the web browser. She walks down the stairs to find Ned and Zed arguing over who gets the shower first. “Ned should go first,” Patricia decides the argument for them.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Zed greets her, walking over only to be shoved aside by his brother as Ned makes a beeline towards the stairs.

“Thanks, Patty,” Ned yells, bending down to kiss her as he thunders past.

Zed scowls up the stairs, but his expression clears as he looks back at Patricia. “So why’s he get t’go first, exactly?”

She holds her arms up in expectation of being held, and he quickly complies. Zed looks especially handsome in his EMT uniform today, Patricia thinks admiringly. All that ‘men in uniform’ business certainly seems to have a firm basis in reality. “I believe you have the responsibility of providing me with a welcome.”

“I could do that,” Zed agrees, drawing her close for a kiss that thrills her right down to her toes. “You’re gonna stay over tonight, right?”

Patricia lets her head fall back as he moves his lips along her throat. “Undomesticated equines could not remove me.”

“Good…I really gotta shower first ‘fore we do anything, though, hon. You would not _believe_ the day I’ve had.”

He’s maneuvered her close to the kitchen table, and Patricia takes the opportunity to tell him what she’d witnessed earlier. “I was under the impression that Ted hadn’t disclosed the fact that he was sleeping with her.”

Zed opens the refrigerator and pulls out the pizza box, sighing at a half-eaten slice that should’ve been kept separate. “Who keeps _doin’_ this…oh, they each knew he was whorin’ around but one day Ted accidentally made a date with both of ‘em.” Dropping the box on the counter, Zed gets out a household cleaning wipe and makes a few passes over the table before sitting down. “ He ‘fessed up and they all went out together, so now it’s like some weird triangle thing. I dunno.” He shakes his head and changes the subject by asking what _her_ day has been like, resting his chin in his hands as he listens.

Patricia regales him with stories of the idiots she’s had to deal with at the Dahl corporation, where she works as a scientific advisor. Zed probably doesn’t understand half of the terms she’s using, but he listens anyway and asks her a few questions that prove he’s been paying attention. She loves how genuinely attentive and considerate he is.

“You eat yet, honey?” Zed asks when she finishes speaking, reaching out to grab the pizza box.

“No. I abhor leftovers.”

“That’s ‘cause you never had cold pizza before. C’mere and try it; it’s good,” he says encouragingly, patting his knee.

Patricia settles upon the indicated spot and eyes the slice in his hand apprehensively. “The cheese has _congealed_ -”

If he were anyone else, she realizes, he’d bully her into taking a bite and then become angry when she would inevitably gag at the texture. Zed proves that he isn’t anyone but himself by dropping the pizza back into the grease-stained cardboard and pushing it away. “I could order somethin’ for you, or we can go out – what’d you rather, sweet pea?”

“Well,” Patricia says slowly, “There is a new restaurant that serves Hestian cuisine, and I’ve heard that they deliver…”

Zed glances up at the ceiling as the pipes make a rumbling sound, then leans over to kiss her. “Sounds like a plan. You go ahead an’ order somethin’ while I get a shower real quick, then we can catch a show on the ECHOnet while we wait.”

She agrees happily, and follows Zed up the stairs to his bedroom. Patricia settles into the chair in front of the computer as Zed takes his clothes off, but any online ordering takes a backseat when she has a back _side_ to admire.

He disappears into the bathroom and Ned wanders by the open door in the altogether, pausing to make sure she’s seen him before winking at her and continuing on his way. Ned comes back once he’s fully dressed, however. “Heard you were tryin’ a rim for the first time. Sure wish someone’d give _me_ one for my birthday.”

“I would rather not oblige you,” Patricia says.

Ned snorts and leans against the wall, looking around the room interestedly. “Don’t worry about it. Listen, girl; just make sure he takes a bath first. Nothin’ worse than eatin’ ass that ain’t seen soap since the Dark Ages. Tell him you wanna do somethin’ to him, an’ you need him to be real clean for it.”

She can’t recall if any of the articles mentioned that. Neither Ted nor Helga had. “Thank you for the advice, it will be most helpful.”

“Sure thing, Patty Bourrée. Just say the word if you get tired of Zed and I’ll show you what you been missin’.” He winks at her again and slips out of the room past Zed, who frowns at his retreating brother.

“He been buggin’ you again?”

Patricia shakes her head. “Not at all, though his pronunciation of ballet terms are in need of work. Please lock the door, come over here, and then open your towel. I have thought of a better way to wait for our food to be delivered.”

“That sounds good,” Zed says cautiously. “What exactly-”

“The only catch is that you must use both your hands to keep the towel open,” she says, lowering the desk chair just enough. Zed agrees to her terms by flipping the lock and walking over to stand in front of her, untucking the towel and opening it up. Patricia leans forward and gets to work, enjoying the sounds of his soft groans as she services him. In the end, the towel drops around his feet and his fingers are gripping the back of her head – they’ll obviously need to have a talk about proper obedience.

He’s much more relaxed after having relieved his tensions across her bare chest. “I can return return the favor if you’d hop up on the desk-”

“No,” Patricia says, wiping up some of the mess that’s landed in the hollow between her collarbones. “I cannot concentrate properly when I know there is a time limit involved. You may offer cunnilingus after our dinner has arrived, however, and I will happily submit.”

“When you use ‘submit’ like that, it sounds like you don’t really want me to do it,” Zed tells her.

The mere thought of him kneeling between her spread legs and stirring her to passion with his lips, tongue, and (occasionally but quite carefully) teeth has Patricia feeling weak in the knees and nearly in need of a dry pair of undergarments. “It is still new to me, this license I have granted to you,” she admits. “The submission I refer to is not necessarily to you because I am _unwilling_ , but more…apprehensive. I suppose that one could more accurately say that I submit to my own pleasure.”

“That sounds a li’l better. I sure wish I could help you relax about it more, though.”

Patricia gazes up into his eyes, somehow able to sense that he really _does_. Zed never says anything he doesn’t mean, but there is no room for doubt about this. “You help by treating me with care and respecting my wishes each time we couple.” This puts her in mind of his gift. “Zed, I would like to perform a sexual favor upon you for your upcoming birthday.”

“Um. Okay…?” Zed pauses with his pants halfway up his thighs. “You mean, as a…a birthday present?”

“Yes. Would you mind if I apply my tongue to an area of your body while you are still asleep?”

The pants, which are nearly around his waist at this point, halt once more. “You wanna _lick_ me? Is that what you’re sayin’?”

She sighs in relief. “Yes it is.”

He shrugs and zips up. “Alrighty then. Sure.”

The crunch of gravel underneath a set of tires draws her over to the window, where she can see that their food has finally arrived. It turns out as pleasing as Chimay had advertised it to be and after their meal the rest of the evening is even more pleasant once Zed escorts her back to his bedroom.

She tries to prepare herself for her upcoming new experience by going to the library and haunting the stacks in search of the sexual health section. The librarian, whom she’s certain she’s seen before somewhere, guides her to the appropriate shelf when she goes over to his desk to ask. He remains remarkably unruffled by her subsequent questions – Zed himself would have likely gone straight through the roof – and calmly suggests a few titles. Patricia pulls them out to have a look and nods to herself in satisfaction. “These will do nicely.”

“Do you require any other assistance?” he asks politely, adjusting the black-rimmed glasses perched upon his nose.

Patricia tears her gaze away from the librarian’s strange, and entirely too long, tie. “I feel as if I know you, somehow.”

He begins to shake his head, and then stops to look at her. “Would your name be… _Patty_ , by any chance?”

“It is Patricia,” she corrects, narrowing her eyes at the thin blond man in front of her. “You are Jeffrey Blake.”

Blake’s eyes flick down to the books in her arms. “Oh, dear. Theodore and Helga told me about the birthday…gift.”

“Zed told _me_ that you were Vice President of the Hyperion Corporation.”

“That is a true statement, yes,” Blake says, ushering her towards the main desk. “I have a double major in business as well as library science and, to be quite honest, Ted likes the glasses.”

Patricia watches him scan her library card and then enter the books she’s chosen into the system with quick, efficient movements. “What did _you_ choose as a birthday gift?” She asks curiously.

Blake glances at her from above the rims of his glasses. “A diamond studded collar with a matching leash…these will be due in fourteen days, unless you’d like an extension before then.”

“A collar and a leash,” Patricia says thoughtfully. “Isn’t that what you would buy for an animal? I was not aware he had a dog.”

A small silence falls between them, during which Blake polishes the lenses of his glasses and clears his throat delicately. “Pets of all sorts need training at some point in their lives, Ms. Tannis.”

“ _Doctor_ Tannis.”

“I _do_ beg your pardon. Would you like a receipt?”

The day before the triplets’ birthday, Patricia quickly wraps the gifts she’s chosen for Ted and Ned, then wraps the book she’d purchased for Zed a bit more carefully. She’s not sure what he’ll think of it, but The Joy of Sex: ECHO Anniversary Edition had been highly recommended in all the reviews she’d read – Patricia has never experienced any ECHO-interactive books before, but they’re supposedly all the rage. If she’s done her research correctly, they should be able to recreate a 3D image of each position directly in the living room (or wherever they choose)! The reviews all insist that this fully eliminates confusion as to where various limbs should be placed. At the very least, there shouldn’t be a repeat of that fiasco involving the Torgue Interactive Kama Sutra.

She places all three presents into a box in the back of her car and spends the rest of her time browsing through the library books while waiting for the end of Zed’s shift. 

Zed texts her when he’s on the way home but judging from the amount of emojis used (an eggplant, water droplets, and a wink), he’s had Ned type while he drives. She shakes her head and heads to her car.

“Do not forget, I plan to take shameless advantage of you in the morning,” Patricia announces after she arrives and knocks on the door. “Hold this.”

Zed pretends to stagger beneath the weight of the packages she thrusts into his arms, which is silly because the combined weight of the presents is easily under five pounds. “What’re these?”

“The top two are for your brothers; no-good as they might be, they must be compensated for sharing your lamentable handsomeness and never quite measuring up to the smoldering sex appeal you achieve effortlessly.” Patricia moves past him into the house and looks around, trying to figure out if Ned and/or Ted is in evidence. There are no loud orgasmic noises issuing from a strange place, so it seems as though Ted is gone. Ned, however, is harder to pin down…but there doesn’t seem to be any half-empty liquor bottles left out, either. “Where are they?”

“Ted’s on call, and Ned’s out tryin’ to get hisself killed by poachin’ Wilhelm’s twink. You remember Wilhelm, right? Big dude; crazy beard, fake eye?”

Patricia certainly _does_ remember Wilhelm, and wishes that she doesn’t. “Unfortunately. He took the vault key from me, and never even bothered to thank me for it.”

“Yeah, that was rude,” Zed agrees. “Should’ve at least given you a cut of the loot that was in there ‘steada sellin’ it all online. Maybe then Jack couldn’t‘ve afforded to buy the hospital…but if wishes were skags.”

“Excuse me? What? You wish for skags?” _That’s_ what she should have gotten him for his birthday!

Zed laughs, finding a safe spot to place the packages. “It’s just a saying. If wishes were skags, bandits would… somethin’. Never can remember the last part of that. Just means it’s no good wishin’ for what you can’t change or what ain’t gonna happen,” he says. “You hungry? I made food.”

Patricia would rather have sex with him because it looks as if he’s just shaved his face and experience has taught her that when Zed shaves in the evening, it means that cunnilingus is in Patricia’s immediate future. Experience has _also_ taught her that Zed’s cooking is not to be missed, so she supposes that she can keep her libido in check until after the meal.

“Did I tell you about meeting Jeffrey Blake in the library, the other day?”

“Nope. Can’t imagine him doin’ anything normal…which might be why he likes Ted s’damn much – what kinda books does a guy like that read?” Zed wonders. He quickly moves past Patricia when she walks towards the table, and pulls a chair out for her. “Somethin’ real boring, I bet.”

“He wasn’t there to look for books – he is one of the librarians,” Patricia explains.

“What! No way.” Zed opens the cupboard and starts pulling down plates and cups. “Why in the hell would he work at a _library?”_

Patricia shrugs and gets up to help, ducking beneath Zed’s arm for the utensils. She pauses just long enough to accept the kiss he drops atop the crown of her head. “There was mention of a library science degree, and-”

“Hang on. Was he wearin’ glasses?”

“Yes, he was.”

“Well, that explains it,” Zed sighs. “Ted and his stupid ‘sexy librarian’ fetish…d’you want some cheese on this?”

They eat dinner together, and Patricia leans against him fondly as he pours them each a glass of wine. At times, it’s hard for her to believe that she could feel so at ease with someone she’d first met at a diner when she’d suffered an explosive nosebleed…but here they are. “I wish I had something better to give you for your birthday,” Patricia says, wedging herself beneath his arm.

“You’re givin’ me you,” Zed replies, pressing his lips against her temple. “Everything else is nice, but I already got the best present anyone could have.”

“That is very sweet of you to say.”

His nuzzling begins to take on a keener edge. “Speakin’ of sweet…you know I shaved ‘fore you came over, right?”

“It was difficult for me to concentrate on anything else once I noticed,” Patricia admits, and is delighted when Zed hoists her up onto the table before he begins to kiss her. “Your brothers-”

“Ain’t here right now,” Zed murmurs. “So whyn’t you get outta your drawers so I can get some dessert?”

Patricia still isn’t sure about this because the dishes haven’t even been cleared yet but the stubble will likely return long before Ned does and, besides, she _really_ wants to be dessert. “Well…if you insist.”

Zed helps her to her feet as he inclines his head for another kiss that heats her blood, and his hands slide down to unzip her jeans. Patricia wriggles out of them, pressing herself against Zed’s body eagerly. Zed caresses her bottom before giving it a few of the firm squeezes that he knows she enjoys, and she yanks his own pants open. “This’s about you right now, you don’t gotta do that,” he chides.

She curls her thumb and forefinger around his cock and tugs at him teasingly. “I know, but I enjoy touching you.”

He makes an unidentifiable noise and reaches between her thighs to stroke the crotch panel of her panties. “I guess we got that in common.” His fingers rub at her, and Patricia squirms as she feels the cotton growing damp. Zed releases her long enough to sweep his arm across the table directly behind her, knocking the dishes to either side before lifting her up onto the edge. “Lean back a bit, sweet thing.”

Patricia reclines on her elbows, shivering as Zed pulls up a chair and sets to work. They shouldn’t be doing this here even if his brothers won’t be walking in on them, she thinks feverishly. They really shouldn’t, but she can feel the warm exhalation of breath on her labia as Zed places a kiss there and why _shouldn’t_ she get to see why the kitchen table is such a popular spot for sex amongst the triplets? “Again, please,” she requests, watching how Zed rolls his eyes up to look at her. He grants her wish tenfold, the gentle kisses growing less than delicate with each successive press of his lips until his hands are holding her up to his mouth and Patricia is tugging on his hair in frantic gratitude.

She surrenders utterly to the pleasure he offers her; her senses are full of the rasp of Zed’s tongue, the strength of the hands cupping her bottom, and the unyielding hardness of the table beneath her shoulders. Patricia bucks against his mouth as he alternates tongue-fucking her with suckling the hard kernel of her clitoris. One of his hands still grips her hip while the other disappears beneath the kitchen table, and she’s vaguely aware of the repetitive swaying motion of his shoulders as well as the muffled sounds of- “Oh, my god,” Patricia calls out as Zed drops her onto the table and two of his fingers slide inside of her body. “If you stop now, I will kill you-!”

Zed closes his lips over her clitoris and begins to suck in earnest, and Patricia’s voice rises to a scream as her muscles begin to lock up. Ecstasy crests inside her and she reaches down again to hold Zed against her, riding his face shamelessly as she chases her pleasure.

She feels the vibrations of Zed’s own orgasmic vocalizations, and the frenzied movement of his left shoulder rocks to a halt. Patricia collapses back amidst the overturned dirty dishes, gasping up at the ceiling as Zed’s tongue laps at her slowly and makes her body spasm with the aftershocks of climax. “There is sauce on my elbow,” she finally tells him, resting her hand atop his head.

He rests his cheek against the inside of her leg, sighing. “You don’t wanna know what’s all over _me_.”

“You _did_ say that your brothers aren’t due to return for quite some time, did you not?” Patricia addresses the pendant light hanging over the table – at some point, one of them must have clipped the thing as it is currently swaying to and fro. When Zed affirms that this is indeed the case, Patricia glances down at him. “Then I suggest that we avail ourselves of the bathtub.”

“Shower, y’mean?”

“I said _bathtub_ and I certainly meant it. Help me up.”

Zed sighs again and she hears the muted screech of the chair being moved back across the floor as he stands up. There are other sounds which she takes to be Zed tucking himself back into his pants before zipping them up, and he leaves her sprawled on the table momentarily as he crosses the kitchen to snatch the towel from its hanger. Patricia feels him gently pat the excess moisture from inside her thighs before grants her request and helps her to sit up. Zed leans down to kiss her and she smiles up at him when he draws back – he’s never quite so handsome as when they’ve just indulged in a bout of debauchery, Patricia thinks fondly. “That was fun,” he grins. “How’s your back?”

“It has had worse things than your kitchen table happen to it,” she says, stopping him from smoothing down his rumpled hair. “Oh, don’t – I like it this way.”

“If you say so…now, what’s all this ‘bout a _bath?_ That tub ain’t been used for an actual bath since before we bought the place.”

Patricia taps her forefinger on the end of his nose and hops to her feet. “Then I suppose you’d better hurry and clean it first.”

He shakes his head at her in mock-disgust and turns away to start clearing the dishes, looking thoroughly rumpled and impossibly sexy. “Ran across your buddy Chimay earlier; she says hi.”

Patricia hasn’t seen Chimay since that accident with the stack of wooden pallets. “I would have thought that she wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Why wouldja think somethin’ like that?”

“Because she told me so.”

“Oh.” Zed finishes running the dishes under the faucet and reaches for a towel to dry his hands…but it isn’t there, since he’d already used it on her crotch. He frowns and digs through a drawer for another one. “Well, you _did_ kinda cause those things to get dropped on the poor girl.”

Patricia widens her eyes at him. “I _apologized,_ Zed.”

“She ain’t the first person to get snappy when they’re hurtin’, _Patricia_. If she wanted you t’know she said ‘hey’ then that means she’s stopped bein’ mad at you for it…coulda just told me to stick it.”

“Stick what, where?”

Zed shakes his head at her. “You know what, an’ you know _where_. C’mon, let’s get upstairs.”

She keeps him company while he strips off his shirt and scrubs the bottom and sides of the claw-footed bathtub, perching on the closed lid of the toilet seat and sharing her observations of the neighborhood garbage collector. “…and then he asked if he could have a pair of my underwear.”

“What! You didn’t _give_ him any?”

“I saw no reason to refuse,” she explains, surprised when Zed slews around to stare at her. “Well, why shouldn’t I share-”

“‘Cause I’m the only one who needs to see your panties,” Zed protests. “I ain’t mad at _you_ , but the next time I see Earl he’s gonna know to buy his drawers from the store like everybody else. Which pair’d you give him?”

“The red and white-”

“Aw, _hell_ no! Those’re my favorite!”

Patricia nudges at him with her toes. “Stop interrupting me and clean the tub. If you’d just let me _finish_ , I could explain that I gave him my red and white _bikini_ bottoms.”

The sponge hits the tiles and Zed turns around again. “Oh, man! You got a _bikini?_ ”

“The _bathtub_ , Zed!”

“Okay, okay…I’m cleanin’…”

They’re relaxing in the (clean) bathtub together several minutes later when Patricia carefully steers their conversation towards her upcoming ‘gift’. “I would greatly prefer it if you were to wash yourself thoroughly,” she hints. “ _Everywhere_.”

Zed reminds her that she’s already asked him, and that he still intends upon doing so. Since she has intimate knowledge of how well Zed keeps his promises, Patricia subsides into his arms and resolves to enjoy herself…and there is plenty of enjoyment to be had with the way Zed’s hands are starting to move on her beneath the water.

In the morning, Patricia slips from the bed to tiptoe into the bathroom. She brushes her teeth and washes her face, straining her ears to catch any signs of life within the rest of the house. When she moves back down the hall to Zed’s bedroom, she hears the faint sounds of snoring issuing from Ned’s room; Ted should be returning from his shift at the hospital in a few hours.

Zed is sleeping on his side when she comes back in and locks the room’s door, and Patricia pauses to gaze at him appreciatively before approaching the bed. She places her own pillow at a spot much different from the place she usually has it, and climbs up onto the mattress carefully so that she doesn’t wake him.

Patricia runs her palms over her lover’s broad back, placing kisses down his spine and she drifts closer to her destination. Zed murmurs in his sleep and arches his back in encouragement when Patricia begins to stroke between his legs, slowly drawing her fingers behind the heavy weight of Zed’s scrotum…here, at least, is an area with which she is intimately familiar. There are times when she’s stroked her fingertips back and he’d been very appreciative but as there’d been no overt encouragement to actually penetrate him, Patricia hadn’t gone any further. Now she realizes that she simply should have asked if he would like it, despite the fact that Zed always seems to become flustered when she gets too frank in her discussions of his anatomy.

She probably should have clarified her request to take ‘shameless advantage’ of him whilst sleeping, but he _had_ given permission and both his brothers _had_ assured her that Zed would enjoy it. This is her gift to him, after all, and all Patricia hopes is that he will truly appreciate it. She feels a warm ache begin between her own legs as she runs her hands over the big paramedic, loving the feel of the powerful muscles beneath tanned skin. While Patricia can quite honestly say that she’s not a huge fan of his chest hair, she has to admit that she admires everything else about his appearance from the white hair at his temples to his surprisingly attractive feet. Zed has very nice toes, a welcome departure from most men whose toes are more stunted and gnarled than the product of twelve generations of inbreeding.

It goes without saying that his buttocks could be considered a work of art, as well. Patricia manages to gently urge Zed over onto his stomach so that splendid ass is right where she wants it – she’s set a pillow to lift his hips from the mattress, and the effect is very…inspiring. From her angle, Patricia is not only able to access her objective but she’s also able to see how his cock and balls have been exposed to her as well. His penis is already swelling to greet the morning, as it does quite frequently when she spends the night, and she hasn’t yet grown tired of depleting its rigidity in any myriad of ways.

She knows full well how clean he is, because she’d specifically asked him to wash himself thoroughly and had watched Zed bathe, but Patricia still suffers from a twinge of doubt. What if he doesn’t like it? What if _she_ doesn’t like it?

There’s nothing for it but to simply try, and see how it goes.

Patricia decides to ease both of them into it by scooting forward on her stomach and starting with something familiar. Zed sighs in his sleep as she licks along the bottom of his stiffening shaft; it’s pressed against the blankets despite having the pillow lifting his hips. She places sucking kisses along his length and tongues his balls, making Zed’s sighs deepen into a soft moan. Patricia is feeling the particular shortness of breath that generally accompanies her own arousal, and it doesn’t take detailed analysis for her to realize that it’s because she’s pleasing herself by pleasing Zed – and there’s something about him being unaware of it that is hitting buttons that Patricia never even knew she had. She nuzzles into his scrotum once more, nipping one of his testicles gently and rolling them both between her fingers before administering a careful squeeze that pulls another moan from Zed’s throat. 

She licks along the sensitive stretch of skin just behind his balls, and reaches up to massage his backside. Patricia greatly appreciates the fact that, despite the onset of middle age, Zed still continues to take care of his body. She rubs her fingers into his taut buttocks, lifting and squeezing before finally separating them and extending her tongue…her first impression is that his scent is more musky here, but it isn’t necessarily unpleasant. He undergoes a full-body shiver when her tongue swipes over the sensitive flesh of his anus and Patricia discovers that she could learn to like this very much, indeed. 

Zed’s cock thumps against her fingers when she does it again, and tips gleaned from several questionable websites stand her in good stead as Patricia works the saliva inside her mouth before spreading it on him. This does seem like the way to do it properly, she thinks to herself, because with proper lubrication the tip of her tongue burrows easily into the tightly furled opening. His hips writhe in the biggest reaction she’s gained thus far, and the resultant guttural noise of appreciation convinces her to put more feeling into her actions. Patricia is steadily working him open when a pitch change of the groans coming from the head of the bed signal that he’s just woken up. “Whuh…? W-what the…?”

“Happy Birthday,” Patricia says, moving her head to plant a kiss on his right buttock before returning to her self-appointed duty. Really, she’s not sure why she was worried – it’s actually quite fun. Zed’s startled yelp makes her pause once more. “Is there something wrong?”

He scrambles away to sit against the headboard with the pillow held over his crotch. “Well, you’ve got your…your _tongue_ an’ it’s in _my_ …! What the _fuck_ , Trish?”

“I was under the impression that you enjoyed it.”

“Huh? I mean… _yeah_ , but-”

“You gave your permission last week,” Patricia reminds him. “And you washed yourself last night when I made sure it was okay.”

Zed’s face is turning a peculiar shade of red. “That’s ‘cause I thought you were gonna, I dunno, suck me off or somethin’, not… _this_. You can’t just sneak up on someone an’… _this!_ ”

“I am perfectly willing to suckle your-”

“Don’t _say_ it like that!”

This is all going spectacularly wrong, and Patricia feels a tightness in her chest as she realizes how upset Zed truly is. “I didn’t know what else to give you,” she says, biting on her lower lip in an effort to keep it from trembling. “I was going to buy you a plant, but they said it wasn’t personal enough. And I purchased a book for you, but I know it’s not _really_ what you would want…”

Zed finally tries to make eye contact with her, and she gathers up enough strength to help him succeed in doing so. “They. Who’s _they_.”

“Who _are_ they,” Patricia corrects. “Your brothers, and Helga Steele.”

“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess they told you t’do…what you just did.”

“Well, of course they did.”

Zed sighs heavily. “Yeah. Of course they did. Honey, you been around all of us to know by now that they don’t really got my best interests at heart when it comes to stuff like this.”

“I don’t understand why anyone would tell me that anilingus would please you if that were not truly the case. What would your brothers have to gain by giving me false information?” She asks, still feeling upset.

“They’d think it was funny ‘cause I wouldn’t be ready for… _that_. They’d want me to be embarrassed, and it looks like I’ve gone and done that for ‘em.” 

Patricia bites down on her lower lip. “I wanted to please you.”

Zed shifts uncomfortably and the fading pink tinge of his skin flares into the reddish side of things. “Well, I mean…you _did_. It was just a, uh…a _surprise_ , is all.”

“Would you like for me to _finish_ surprising you?” she ventures, watching the convulsive movement of his throat as he swallows. “I am well aware of the fact that, since you are awake, you might want to take care of various bodily functions first.”

Her lover looks at her curiously. “You mean, you _want_ to…that?”

“Anything that brings you pleasure, within reason of course, is something I would be happy to do for you,” Patricia says honestly. “Would _you_ do the same for me?”

Now, she thinks, he simply looks offended. “‘Course I would. How could you ask that?”

“Well, then. If it makes you feel any better, you might like to wash yourself before coming back to me,” Patricia suggests.

She busies herself with rearranging the bed while he tends to early morning needs, and beckons him over. Zed is hesitant in the beginning, but sets aside his inhibitions when Patricia suggests that she begin by performing oral sex upon him – after that, it’s not difficult at all to convince him to relax and enjoy his birthday gift.

Perhaps ‘relax’ isn’t the right word, as the corners of the fitted sheet are promptly ripped from the bed and Zed nearly claws a hole in the mattress, but he certainly _enjoys_ it.

He’s glassy-eyed and short of breath when she finishes, sitting up to look at him critically. Yes, her experiment can safely be considered a rousing success…pun very much intended. “Happy Birthday, Zed. Are you still alive?” Patricia prompts gently, remembering his moaned insistence that she was trying to kill him.

Zed turns his head to look at her. “I _think_ so. Hot _damn_ , that was somethin’ else.”

Patricia smiles proudly, tucking her feet beneath her. “I am happy that you enjoyed it; I have been worried that I might do it wrong.”

“No, no. It was…it was real good,” Zed assures her. “I was halfway expectin’ you to whisk a strap-on from your purse, to be honest, so I’ll thank you for keepin’ the surprises to the minimum.” He finally recovers enough strength to sit up and reach for his discarded clothes from the previous night. “I’mma take a shower – room for two in there.”

“I will accompany you.”

Once they’re clean and fully dressed, they walk down the stairs together into the kitchen…where Ned is huddled over a stack of pancakes, clearly waiting for them. “Hey, Ted! They just came down,” Ned calls out, and Ted slides through the door still wearing his scrubs.

“Happy Birthday to all of you,” Patricia says, pretending she doesn’t see the expectant looks aimed at them. “I brought gifts, but Zed is the only one who has received half of his already.”

Two identical heads swivel to stare at Zed, who yawns as he opens the refrigerator to retrieve the jug of milk. “Want some of this, hon?”

“Yes, please.”

“So, uh…what’d you give him?” Ted asks innocently.

Zed finishes filling a cup and sticks the milk back into the fridge, bumping the door with his hip to close it. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. I told Tricia how Momma always used to give us each a birthday kiss, though, and she thought it’d be nice to keep up the tradition. Pucker up, boys.”

Ned and Ted exchange alarmed looks, and both of them suddenly realize they have places they need to be. “Thanks for the present, Patty – I, uh…I gotta go.”

“Yup, I got…somethin’…”

Zed leans against the counter and watches his brothers disappear, only the slightest hint of a smile curving his mouth. “I guess there really _ain’t_ no rest for the wicked.”


End file.
